meet mr. sparkles!

I have a demon kitten. His name is Spark and he is about four months old. In addition to being a complete hellcat, he is absolutely adorable and has the softest fur I have ever felt. We have a love-hate relationship, and by that I mean that I love him so much, and he hates me twice as much as I will ever love him.

I have had cats my whole life. I love them. They’re cute and snuggly and fun to play with but so easy to take care of. I will always have a cat in my life.  Now, I’ve always had female cats, and maybe this is where the difference lies, but this cat HATES ME. I am an animal person, I love them and they usually love me (with the exception of my great uncles big disgusting mastiff that scared the shit out of me).

It was trouble from day one.

My roommate and I took his son to the animal shelter to look at kittens. They pick the tiniest and most perfect little black bundle and I can’t wait to take him home!

Day One: I come home before they do. He is in his box in the bathroom. He meows at me when I walk in. I sit on the toilet and put him on my lap. I am instantly in love. Roommate and son come home, let dog (ridiculously fat min-pin) out. Dog proceeds to run into the bathroom and throw herself at the kitten. This results in the kitten peeing all over me. Great.

And it just goes downhill from there.

For example, one morning, I’m lying in bed, half asleep but thinking about how I really should get up. I feel the bed shake and some small droplets of water hit my face. Open my eyes (which does me no good since I’m blind as fuck) and fumble for my glasses. To my complete and utter HORROR the kitten has released his bladder right in the middle of the bed. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BED. He then decided to dance in his own urine and delicately fling it all over me.

I jump out of bed, scream and throw the cat off of the bed (not necessarily in that order). First things first, I strip the bed clean of his disgusting mess and start throwing things in the washer. About three minutes later, I realize that I have no idea where Spark went. I walk back into my bedroom and I am met by the unmistakable smell of shit. Cat shit.

To recap: first, he empties his bladder all over me, and then, as if he was putting the icing on the “I hate you” cake, he takes a giant dump underneath my bed.

This is my life with the cat.